5:45 a.m.
May 25, 2006
About 4:30 this morning I woke up from a dream in which I had just realized someone had the intent to rape me. I was in a car with a girl friend heading somewhere with two men. We were just getting a ride and somewhere along the way we were sitting facing them when a comment from one showed clearly that his intention was to force himself upon us/me.
Woke up right there.
I just found out another reason I once made sure I stayed fat.
Part of it is that my adult sexual experiences haven’t given me any reason to believe that a thin body would attract a better sexual outcome than a fat one has. Added to the cultural conditioning that says a thin body will attract mostly if not only the negative sexual attention.
This was a problem in the past because I didn’t know how to handle negative sexual advances (or unwanted ones) and because if someone wouldn’t be willing to see me in a fat body they obviously would only want to use me if I was in a thin body. Or so I once believed.
All of these are actually tangent beliefs that go back to former core beliefs that I can’t be wanted or desired. I felt rejection by my parents. I couldn’t/wasn’t allowed to have friends. And so forth (ad naseum).
Now with the knowing that, no matter who rejects me, I have worth and value, I realized I have released the fear of being thin because of a fear of being raped.
I ruminated on this theme for about a half an hour. All the while wishing that I could roll over into the arms of someone I totally trusted, who I would gently awaken and share my realizations. Someone who would hold me while I felt the pain the belief cost me for so many years. Not because I shouldn’t feel it or because it was wrong or in an effort to take away my pain or deprive me of it.
Who would hold me and listen because of a willingness to be my witness. As well as to honor my choices and me. Honoring that I can look at what I believed about myself and why and what I have done in the past to make sure I survived even if I was being hurt at the same time. Honoring that I am the glorious, amazing, incredible woman that I am. Taking joy as I see myself honestly, forgive myself, and love myself, discovering just how beautiful I really am.
And at the same time I was peaceful, loving and gentle with myself. Yes, that would be a transcendent thing to share that way with another. Yet, I shared it with myself. I honor myself. I am my own witness.
I am at peace.
About 4:30 this morning I woke up from a dream in which I had just realized someone had the intent to rape me. I was in a car with a girl friend heading somewhere with two men. We were just getting a ride and somewhere along the way we were sitting facing them when a comment from one showed clearly that his intention was to force himself upon us/me.
Woke up right there.
I just found out another reason I once made sure I stayed fat.
Part of it is that my adult sexual experiences haven’t given me any reason to believe that a thin body would attract a better sexual outcome than a fat one has. Added to the cultural conditioning that says a thin body will attract mostly if not only the negative sexual attention.
This was a problem in the past because I didn’t know how to handle negative sexual advances (or unwanted ones) and because if someone wouldn’t be willing to see me in a fat body they obviously would only want to use me if I was in a thin body. Or so I once believed.
All of these are actually tangent beliefs that go back to former core beliefs that I can’t be wanted or desired. I felt rejection by my parents. I couldn’t/wasn’t allowed to have friends. And so forth (ad naseum).
Now with the knowing that, no matter who rejects me, I have worth and value, I realized I have released the fear of being thin because of a fear of being raped.
I ruminated on this theme for about a half an hour. All the while wishing that I could roll over into the arms of someone I totally trusted, who I would gently awaken and share my realizations. Someone who would hold me while I felt the pain the belief cost me for so many years. Not because I shouldn’t feel it or because it was wrong or in an effort to take away my pain or deprive me of it.
Who would hold me and listen because of a willingness to be my witness. As well as to honor my choices and me. Honoring that I can look at what I believed about myself and why and what I have done in the past to make sure I survived even if I was being hurt at the same time. Honoring that I am the glorious, amazing, incredible woman that I am. Taking joy as I see myself honestly, forgive myself, and love myself, discovering just how beautiful I really am.
And at the same time I was peaceful, loving and gentle with myself. Yes, that would be a transcendent thing to share that way with another. Yet, I shared it with myself. I honor myself. I am my own witness.
I am at peace.
posted by Junipurr at 8:41 AM
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